


just a scar, a story i tell

by vicbartons



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pillow Talk, and some hints at smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 15:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11150925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicbartons/pseuds/vicbartons
Summary: the anniversary of getting shot is enough to make anyone a bit moody and contemplative. even the great robert sugden.





	just a scar, a story i tell

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: "you make me feel alive." 
> 
> title from "scar" by foxes

“Stop staring at me.”

He isn´t properly awake yet, hasn´t even opened his eyes, but Aaron can feel Robert watching him. He has no intention of getting up this early. All he wants to do right now, is cuddle into his husband´s warm embrace and enjoy the peace and quiet only a Sunday morning can bring just a little while longer.

But Robert´s eyes are still on him.

Reluctantly, Aaron squints one eyelid open. He expects to find a grin tugging at the corners of his husband´s mouth and his eyebrows raised, the way he usually does when Robert wakes up before him on the weekends. Usually, when Robert is up this early on a Sunday, his eyes are full of want, promising one or several rounds of glorious morning sex with both of them spending hours leisurely taking each other apart until they find themselves utterly spent, curled together under the covers until midday.

To his surprise, that isn´t what Aaron wakes up to. Far from it, actually.

Robert is lying on his side, his eyes fixed on Aaron, but his expression empty; taking in every inch of his face while he holds onto his pillow for dear life. If Aaron didn´t know any better, he would say that Robert looks lost. The groggy “good morning” he had planned gets stuck in his throat at the sight of him.

“What´s wrong?” he asks instead, reaches out to gently trace his finger over Robert´s slightly furrowed forehead, down the bridge of his nose until he´s cupping his jaw with two fingers.

“Nothing,” Robert mumbles, trying a smile that doesn´t reach his eyes, “go back to sleep.” Aaron just raises an eyebrow. He doesn´t need any words to let his husband know that he isn´t buying it.

“2 years,” Robert mumbles and turns to hide his face in the pillow.

“You what?”

Aaron can see Robert´s chest rise and fall as he takes a deep breath before tilting his head back towards him. “Got this two years ago today.” He pushes the duvet down until it pools around his hips and rubs over the scar on his now exposed chest with his thumb.

Of course.  
The shooting.  
He should have remembered.

Aaron opens his mouth to say something, eventhough he isn´t sure what, but then he stops himself, sees that there is more to Robert´s sullen mood than just the anniversary. (´Just´, as if that wasn´t more than enough for anyone to have to deal with.)

He doesn´t push though, just gives him an encouraging smile and waits.

“Can´t help but wonder sometimes, if your mum was right,” Robert admits. The younger man´s brows furrow in confusion. “Right how?” he asks. He doesn´t know what Robert is talking about. Isn´t sure he wants to know, if he´s quite honest with himself.

Robert´s eyes focus on the wall above Aaron´s head instead of his face then, finding it easier to say what he needs to say without looking into his husband´s concerned blue eyes.“Saying that I should have done everyone a favour and left…” he huffs out a sigh, “dropped dead, preferably.”

Aaron gulps at that. He can´t help but think of the things he himself said back then, with Robert lying unconscious in a hospital bed. Not that he had meant them, not truly, never. But he had said them nonetheless and a small part of him might have actually hoped for his words to come true. It feels like a lifetime ago now, the weeks Robert spent in a coma. Back when Aaron´s head was a mess and he couldn´t see a way of ever forgiving Robert for the things he´d done to him, but couldn´t see a way of ever letting go of him either.

He reaches out and let´s his hand cup Robert´s face, to remind himself that that isn´t who they are anymore. As his thumb caresses Robert´s cheek, his silver wedding band glistens in the ray of sunlight that´s falling through the gap between the curtains. Robert´s his, now more than ever. He doesn´t have to figure out how to let go of him anymore. 

“Don´t… “ he starts, “Don´t think like that.” The seriousness with which Robert looks at him, makes Aaron realise that he has to choose his next words carefully. God knows how long Robert´s been lying next to him thinking, crawling deeper and deeper into the darkest corners of his mind. “You wouldn´t have done anyone a favour. Not Andy, not Diane, not Victoria…definitely not me.”

Robert raises an eyebrow at that. “Because the past few months have been so brilliant for you,“ his tone is dripping with sarcasm, but his eyes are filled with sadness, “I´ve hurt you. Don´t pretend I didn´t for my sake.” 

Aaron takes a deep breath and let´s his hand run through Robert´s unruly bed hair, hoping to give his husband some comfort that way. Gently, he lets his fingers draw small circles on his scalp and Robert can´t help but lean into the touch. 

“Being dead might have hurt less, you know?” Aaron hasn´t seen Robert like this often, but in these moments he looks the way he must have when Jack kicked him out. A small boy, uncertain of his future, clinging on to whatever he can in hopes of finding some safety and steady footing. Nothing like the overconfident, smug man Aaron has grown so used to. “Might have been easier than pushing you away, not being with you, lying to you…” Robert doesn´t finish, just lets his voice fade into nothingness. He clenches his jaw and it does that little quiver that always makes Aaron want to wrap him up in his arms and protect him from the world.

“Yeah, you did,” he concedes, ”you hurt me.” 

There´s no reason to lie. They´ve spent months talking about this now, mulling it over. It´s still hard and Aaron knows that at least a small part of Robert is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. If only Aaron could convince him that there is no other shoe. 

“But you also make me happier than I ever thought I´d be. That counts for a lot,” he shuffles closer towards Robert, their noses are almost touching now, “I wouldn´t even be around anymore, if it wasn´t for you.”

“Course you would,” Robert bites his bottom lip, “I only ever make things worse for ya.”

Aaron can only shake his head at that and it makes their noses brush against each other. “You know how many happy moments I´d have missed out on, if I didn´t have you, eh?”

“How much happiness we´d both have missed out on?“ He leans in, tentatively presses a soft kiss to Robert´s lips to test the waters. Finally, he can feel Robert relax into him.

Aaron would do it all over again, all the pain and heartbreak and misery, if he knew he´d end up having this. As mad as it might make him, Aaron would always choose being with Robert over the alternative and he needs his husband to know that. 

“And you would have missed out on marrying me,” Aaron almost whispers against Robert´s lips, a lopsided smile creeping on his face, “now that would have been tragic.”

“We´d never have gotten to do that thing we did in the shower last night…” he reminisces and Robert can´t help but smirk at the memory, a spark finally returning to his eyes. 

Aaron takes his chances and rolls Robert onto his back in one swift motion, until he´s trapped beneath him. His hands grabbing the sheets on either side of his husband´s face, Robert´s hips held in place between his thighs.

“How could I ever want you gone when you can make me feel like that?” Aaron leans down and let´s their foreheads rest against each other. More importantly, “how could you ever think you´d be better off dead, when I can make you feel like that?” he adds, a wicked grin on his face. Robert loves this side of Aaron. The cocky, self-confident side that knows full well the effect he has on him.

“You make me feel alive,” Robert looks up at his husband - his beautiful, brilliant husband - and gives him the first proper smile of the day.

“Soft,” Aaron´s response gets swallowed by Robert´s lips as he closes the space between them and kisses him, his hips pressing against him wantingly, his hand finding its way to the back of Aaron´s neck to pull him even closer. 

Aaron grounds Robert, the way he always does. Snaps him back to reality. Stops him from going into a tailspin over what could or should have been and gets him to focus on what is instead.

Later, they will actually have to talk about this. Properly. Because if the last year had taught the two of them anything, it was that letting things fester never ended well for them. Drove them further apart, when they should stick closer together. Both of them had brought their fair share of baggage into this marriage, but having the courage to open up about whatever dark and painful thoughts they were carrying around on any given day always lightened the load.

But that can wait until later.

Yes, definitely later.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: [@vicbartons](http://www.vicbartons.tumblr.com)


End file.
